


Love (Messy, Tragic, Devastating)

by kmc123



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, Marlene gives great advice, Mental Health Issues, Sirius struggles with insecurities and self-loathing, Wolfstar don't know how to handle being friends and fwb at the same time, also features Jily as friends who're way too scared to confess and ruin their friendship, also they're in love, not too sure sure when this is set
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 19:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13531302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kmc123/pseuds/kmc123
Summary: it is easier to say "fuck me harder" than to say "love me and only me" - k.y robinson





	Love (Messy, Tragic, Devastating)

Sirius dreams of bacon.

He dreams of bacon (crispy, greasy, hot), and Remus (messy-haired, sleepy, also hot), and eating bacon with Remus after a night of amazing sex (fast, hard, extremely hot).

But when Sirius wakes up, there's no bacon, no Remus, and only the messy (empty) sheets that remind him of the night before.

 _Fuck_ , Sirius thinks, _of course._

It's typical, really, so Sirius isn't sure why he's so disappointed. Remus never stays, it's one of those things that someone would think is just a nasty habit of his, like not screwing the toothpaste cap back on (incredibly irritating) or leaving the toilet seat up (Lily's problem).

It's also not like Sirius is dying for him to stay either, honestly. They're just friends with benefits, fuckbuddies, "um... er... f-friends", it's not like they're in an actual relationship. It's not like Sirius cares if Remus stays in the morning.

(Except he does, he really does).

Sirius sighs, rubbing his eyes and willing himself to get out of the bed that leaves such a sour taste in his mouth. He knows that there's coffee in the kitchen, which is the main reason he even considers putting his bare feet on the freezing cold hardwood. If it were up to him, he'd never leave the comfort of his room and sulk in peace and quiet. But it's not up to him, he knows, because James would break down the door if he thought there was the slightest chance of Sirius shutting himself away. So, Sirius braves the floor and regrets not keeping socks on his bedside table.

Note to self.

He grabs the clothes that litter his room (only his own, Remus' are gone) and throws them in the hamper. He then grabs a pair of clean boxers from his drawer and puts them on, before throwing a thick pair of wool socks onto his nightstand. Remus'll probably laugh when he sees the socks, knowing that Sirius is far too sensitive to the cold to be living with James, who enjoys having the air conditioning on full blast even during the coldest winter months.

Sirius rubs his face. _Stop thinking about Remus. Fuck Remus._

(Or don't, because that's exactly what got him into this mess).

He walks into the kitchen and sees James sitting on one of their stools, drinking an energy drink and dressed head to toe in running gear. Sirius scoffs, disgusted by James' productivity and love for physical activity.

"Morning sunshine." James chirps, putting down his empty energy drink and resting his chin in his hands. "You're looking especially cheery this fine morn- sorry, afternoon." Sirius grunts in response and scours the fridge for something besides booze and energy drinks (not that Sirius is opposed to morning drinking, but James would tell Lily) (Sirius is definitely opposed to home-therapy with friends). He finds some leftover Chinese and decides to heat it up while his coffee brews. James raises an eyebrow at Sirius' usual morning attitude, but lacking satisfaction after having someone over.

"He left when I got back from my run, we bumped into each other in the hallway. It was about half-past eight." Sirius' head involuntarily snaps up at the mention of Remus and James throws his hands his hands in the air in exasperation. Sirius groans, he'd given himself away. "Christ, you need to stop this, mate! It's really not healthy. You obviously have feelings for him, so I don't understand why you torture yourself like this."

"Piss off, James." Sirius grumbles, pouring lots of sugar and cream into his coffee. He desperately wants a cigarette. "I don't have feelings for him," (really?), "It's strictly casual." (For who?) James scoffs and stands up, patting Sirius' back in a brotherly type way.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night- oh wait." James laughs and Sirius tries to hit him, but he's already in the hall. "'M off to take a shower."

"Hope you drown, you prick!" Sirius shoots back, rolling his eyes. He takes his slightly-cold Chinese and three-spoonful's-of-sugar-coffee (that Remus would definitely make fun of him for) to a stool and rests his head on the bar. With no classes and a bad start to the morning, Sirius wants nothing more than to get really, really high.

He calls Lily and Pete.

///

Peter rolls better than anyone Sirius' has ever met, which is why smoking joints with Pete is ideal. James prefers bongs and Lily doesn't care, seeing as she doesn't smoke quite as frequently as the rest of them.

Peter's a blast to get high with. Usually James and Lily are too, but Sirius could tell that they exchanged 'looks' when Lily walked into their flat. Sirius blows a piece of hair out of his face, whatever. (Getting high with Remus is amazing and different and insane, but Sirius ignores that).

Lily and James are sharing the loveseat, sneaking glances at the other then bursting into laughter. (They're so fucking meant to be it makes Sirius nauseous, but James is afraid he'll muck things up if he goes for her again, says he doesn't want a repeat of sixth form). Sirius is upside down, head hanging over one side of the armchair, legs over the other. Pete's on the floor.

"Hestia made me use lotion. My face has never been this soft in my life." Peter has his hands on his face, feeling his cheeks in awe. Sirius snorts. Lily giggles.

"She finally let you have one off, Pete?" James asks, looking a little distracted as Lily drapes her legs over his lap. Pete scowls. Sirius guffaws, throwing a pillow in James' direction to keep him from looking like a frozen idiot in front of his one true love. He throws it back, hitting Sirius in the head.

"Oh Jamesy, don't forget that she's waiting for marriage like a good little girl." Sirius chuckles, eyeing Peter's crossed arms. "Peter hasn't pulled any for six months!" James and Sirius shriek with laughter. Peter props himself on his elbows.

"Hey! We've done plenty else, plus it's more than James, who's too caught up in his love for Evans to even try with anyone else!"

"Oi!" James shouts throwing another pillow at Peter while Lily and Sirius laugh until tears are streaming out of their eyes.

Sirius loves his friends.

(He misses Remus).

///

"'M just saying that if I were the last person on earth, I don't know if I'd even bother trying to survive." Sirius runs his fingers through his dark hair, somehow finding no knots. "I mean, what quality of life is that?" Remus shakes his head, exasperated.

"At least it's something." He shoots back, adjusting the strap of his book bag as he strides through the streets. Sirius can hardly keep up.

"Yeah, but you'd be alone!" He throws his hands up in the air. "Who wants to live alone?" Remus raises an eyebrow (Sirius chooses to ignore how fucking adorable he looks).

"Lots of people live alone, Sirius." Remus musses up his hair, the tawny colour distracting Sirius for a moment. He wants to scream.

"Last. Person. On. Earth." Sirius pauses between words for emphasis. Remus ducks his head, a small smile growing which ignites a burst of warmth in Sirius' chest.

He squeezes his eyes shut, _these feelings are ruining my life._

"With only bloody animals to talk to..." Sirius shudders dramatically. "You'd go mad, s'all I'm saying."

A bark of laughter slips from Remus' mouth and suddenly both boys are howling, clutching their sides as they try to navigate through the crowds of Londoners. Sirius sighs quietly, he sometimes wishes he never started this 'thing' (relationship?) with Remus. He enjoys (misses) this, their friendship, it's easy (comfortable).

Their laughter fades and Remus points to a restaurant up the street. "Mad-Eyes'."

"Race you."

Quickly, both boys are running full speed to the Pub. They reach the door, panting (Remus wins), before Sirius opens the door and bows.

"After you." He speaks in a swotty accent that makes Remus laugh, learned from countless butlers at the Black Household, and he grins the whole way to their table. They chat aimlessly for a few more minutes until a lively redhead comes into view. She carries four white takeout boxes in her arms, which Sirius takes as his cue to hand them to Remus and wrap an arm around Lily's waist, kissing her head.

"Lily, have I ever told you how wonderfully beautiful you are? Truly one of the most caring souls I've ever met." Sirius gushes. Remus chuckles as he examines the contents of the takeout boxes. Lily kisses Sirius' cheek, but quickly pushes him away with a roll her of her eyes.

"They're not all for you, Sirius." Lily's hands are on her hips and Remus snorts. Sirius glares at him. "You get one, Black, you hear me? One. Repeat it." Sirius crosses his arms and huffs; what James sees in Lily, he'll never understand (Sirius loves Lily, honest).

"One, mother." Lily shoves at him lightly. Sirius steps out of the way, causing her to stumble. She glowers at him before redirecting her stare to Remus.

"Remus, mine better be full by the time I get home. I've counted it all down to the last grain of rice." Lily hands two boxes to Sirius who visibly perks up. "One, Christ, you dog! The other's for James, God only knows he'd starve without me." Sirius and Remus exchange a look, Lily crosses her arms, unimpressed.

"What?"

"So while Remus and I are forced to come down and pick up our food, showering you in compliments, James gets an entire box with no work done himself?" Sirius raises an eyebrow and Lily's jaw drops in offense. Remus rests his chin in his hands, watching the scene that's about to unfold before him.

"Excuse me, Black," Lily scoffs. "I ask Remus, my flatmate, to come down here and pick up the food that I graciously provide for him weekly -"

"Ta, Lily." Remus smiles softly at the fiery waitress, who smiles back as equally as sweet (although Sirius would argue until his last dying breath that nothing's as sweet as Remus' smile) (Sirius would also argue that he's going insane, because he's never thought anything so poufy in his life).

"Of course, love. Not to mention you, Sirius, follow Remus no matter where he goes," Sirius ignores this comment. Remus' cheeks turn pink (Sirius ignores that, too). "So you're his mangy mutt that I, by default, have to feed. I only feed James because he's a friend." Sirius nudges for Remus to stand, grabbing his boxes so that Remus doesn't need to carry anything. He rolls his eyes at Sirius, but says nothing.

"What about Marlene, or Mary, or Dorcas, or Alice, or Peter, or-" Remus grabs him by the sleeve and pulls him towards the door.

"Love you, Lily."

"You're very popular, you have a lot of friends. I could go on for ages!" Sirius all but shouts from the door, causing the scattered customers to turn to look at the commotion.

"Leaving now." Lily growls, pushing them closer. Once outside, she sticks her head out the door. "See you at Benjy's tonight, Sirius?" Sirius nods frantically and quickly stops (he sees what Lily means about a dog).

"And you?" Lily raises an eyebrow at Remus who sighs dramatically, sticking a thumb at the boy beside him.

"I'm being forced." Lily kisses both their cheeks, giving Sirius a meaningful look.

"Good, see you tonight then."

The two start walking back to Remus and Lily's apartment, which is luckily nearby. Remus glances over at Sirius, who looks to be, only slightly, struggling with the boxes. He reaches out his arms.

"Sirius, let me help." Sirius takes a step back and looks vaguely insulted. He could most definitely carry all four boxes without Remus' help. Remus puts his hands up in mock surrender. "Fine, sorry for trying to be a good mate." Sirius freezes for a split second (the word feels like a punch to the gut).

"When'll Lily realize her and James just need to shag away all this tension? They've got the love thing covered." Sirius speaks quickly, to change the subjects from _mates_. "Not that you need to be in love to shag... obviously." (Is it so obvious?). Sirius almost sighs in relief when Remus chuckles and shakes his head, ignoring his comment altogether.

"No idea, they're luckier than they know." Sirius nods earnestly, looking up at the sky, examining the stars. Remus nudges him when he slows down.

"Right you are," Sirius clears his throat. "They've got everything within their grasp, all they need's a little shove in the right direction." Sirius can tell that Remus' stopped walking. He stops, too, looking back. Remus is staring at him with wide eyes and an indecipherable expression. Sirius can feels his face heating up and fuck, are those butterflies? Adult men do not get butterflies. He nods towards a building as an attempt to change the mood.

"Here." He mutters.

(The butterflies don't go away).

///

Sirius is already very drunk by the time he finally spots Lily and James walking through the door. He looks around for a moment, wondering where Remus could've gone off to, before shrugging his shoulders and heading over to his best friends. He throws an arm around James who smirks at his dark haired counterpart.

"Where've you lot been? Party's been on for more than an hour! Pete's already snuck off with Hestia to do everything but fuck." Sirius grins sheepishly as he notices Lily's disapproving gaze. "Sorry, forgot I was in the presence of a lady. You're looking absolutely ravishing tonight, Evans."

It's true, Lily does look beautiful. Sirius can appreciate the long red hair and emerald green eyes that've captured James' heart. Lily's glare melts away and she steps up on her toes, pressing her lips to Sirius' cheek quickly.

"Charming as always, love." Lily giggles. She glances at James and pats his arm. "I'm off, need to find Marlene." James nods and Lily pauses, looking at Sirius warily for a moment before kissing James' cheeks softly (lingering a second too long in Sirius' opinion) and hurrying away. Sirius looks between James' dreamy eyes and Lily's retreating figure, clapping a hand on his friend's back with a laugh.

"You're fucked, mate." James scowls, giving Sirius a little shove. "Anyone with eyes can see this nervous back-and-forth you two've got going on." James smirks, nodding to behind Sirius.

"Says you."

Sirius follows James' gaze and sees Remus, wearing the jumper Sirius got him for his birthday last year (he can feel his knees go weak), talking to a certain Caradoc Dearborn. A surge of annoyance flares in Sirius' chest and he looks back at James with frown.

"Why do we do this to ourselves?" Sirius sighs, handing James the bottle of vodka he was drinking straight. "Feelings are messy. You know how much I hate messy." James takes a quick shot, returning it to Sirius who had definitely started to feel a little empty without the bottle clutched in his hand.

"Aristocrat at heart, you are." James ruffles Sirius' hair who pushes him away good naturedly. "So you're finally admitting it, then? Your feelings for a certain brunet?" Sirius sighs and brings the bottle to his lips. It burns. (Remus hates it, more of a cider man himself).

"I'm intoxicated," another shot, "stop trying to take advantage of me and ask again tomorrow." James grins, causing Sirius to smile wildly back. He really does loves his best friend.

"I'm gonna mingle, maybe find Evans and confess my undying love. You alright?" Sirius nods, gesturing to the party.

"I'll find something to do."

He does, as always, find something to do. People flock to chat with Sirius Black, whose natural charm and energy creates an impressive reputation. Unfortunately, the one person he wants to spend his night with (the one person he wants to spend every night with) is too busy chatting up the attractive man that's Caradoc Dearborn. Sirius scowls and takes a large swig of his new drink, some cooler that Mary insisted he try.

"Easy tiger, much more and you'll be getting your stomach pumped." Marlene McKinnon smirks and sips her fruity cocktail with elegance, something that Sirius recognizes as the mark of a true aristocrat. Sirius loves Marlene, more than he'd like to admit. She's the only one of his friends who understands the pressure that comes from spending your childhoods in stuffy ballrooms rather than sandboxes. They're basically two sides of the same coin (unfortunately, his side is much more fucked up and complicated; always has been, always will be).

"Speaking from experience, McKinnon?" Sirius manages to tear his gaze away from Remus to grin at his friend. She licks her lips and shrugs, eyes twinkling.

"As always." She grips Sirius' arm and tugs him closer to the wall, guiding them away from the crowd of rowdy, drunk adults (also, away from having a clear view of Remus and Sirius wants to pretend he doesn't crane his neck to catch another glimpse of the boy). "Which is why you're going to listen to the next bit of advice I give you, Black."

Sirius manages to stop looking for Remus in the sea of people and raises a perfectly trimmed eyebrow at Marlene. "Oh do tell, Marls. You've got me so very intrigued." Marlene frowns and tugs his sleeve, looking him directly in the eyes; not a hard task seeing as Marlene's always been a tall girl; long, beautiful legs, slender figure, the model type. Sometimes Sirius wonders what it'd be like if he and Marlene ended up together, would his parents approve? Would they have everything they could ever want? Would his life be totally different? (Sirius always shuts that thought down quickly seeing as he wouldn't change his family — James, the Potters, Lily, Peter, Marlene and Dorcas,... Remus — for anything in the world), (Not to mention he and Marlene are both very, very queer).

"Hush you, this is important." Sirius looks her into her clear, blue eyes and nods. She relaxes slightly and let's go of his sleeve. "Like I said, I speak from experience, which means, Sirius, I know what you're going though." Sirius tilts his head subtly, feeling confused. Marlene sighs and runs a hand through her blonde hair.

"You and Remus." Sirius chokes on his drink and decides that taking a sip was most definitely an awful idea when Marlene decides to spout rubbish like this at the most inconvenient of times. He glares at the girl and crosses his arms. She mimics him with a sneer (Sirius loves her fire, too — no surprise that her and Lily are best friends).

"What the hell are you on about?" Marlene groans and throws a perfectly manicured hand in the air. She opens her mouth to elaborate, before being interrupted by a group of girls hand-in-hand, running to the washroom. Marlene's grimace grows as each girl bumps her shoulder.

"As I was saying," she says through gritted teeth. "I used to look at Dorcas the way you look at him— oh don't get all offended and confused, you know very well what I'm talking about. It's that look of longing and desperation and all the shite that romance writers go on about." Sirius' anger grows at Marlene's very accurately described argument (he knows it's completely true).

"So what?" Marlene sighs and rubs his shoulder comfortingly.

"I'm just saying, it's torturous being just friends with someone you're in love with. You should say something." Sirius tenses at her words and he roughly shakes off her hand, glaring at the blonde.

"It's not like you and Dorcas at all and you know very damn well why. We fuck, that's it. I'm not in love with anyone and there's nothing to confess." Sirius snaps and grabs the crushed box of cigarettes from his pocket in anger. He puts one in his mouth and one behind his ear before noticing the look of hurt on Marlene's face. His heart twists painfully and he looks at her with apologetic eyes, stepping closer and caressing her face.

"Fuck you, Black." She spits with less venom than she would've liked, Sirius knows. He brushes some blonde out of her face and looks at the ground.

"Sorry, Marls. I know you're just trying to help." Sirius lets go and takes the cigarette from behind his ear, holding it out as a peace offering. "Fag?" Marlene smiles, shaking her head.

"Dorcas wants me to stop." Sirius grins, clenching his own cigarette between his teeth and tucking the other one back from where he got it. She hugs him tightly and he rubs her back in response.

"For what it's worth, Marls, you and Meadowes are extraordinary together." Marlene flushes and she rolls her eyes, embarrassed. "Also, the subject of mine and every other guy here's wildest fantasy." She laughs and shoves at Sirius.

"Don't lie, you fucking queer."

"You two could turn me, love!" Sirius turns away and winks back at Marlene. "I expect you to give Meadowes the buggering of her life in honour of all the stiffys that'll be suffered by the end of the night."

"Oh don't you worry, Black! I plan on it!"

Sirius laughs and steps outside, nodding at others smoking their various substances, before walking around to the front of the house. He enjoys people, he really does, but there's nothing he wishes more than to be alone and reflect on Marlene's stupid advice.

(Stupid Marlene. Stupid Remus. Stupid Sirius.)

He pats his pockets, groaning when he realizes he left his lighter with Pete. There's no chance that Sirius can make it back inside without someone trying to chat or look for a smoking partner. He huffs and sits on the curb, letting the cigarette hang loosely from his lips.

What the hell was Marlene talking about? Sirius scoffs (it really wasn't the time to play innocent). He knows full well who and what Marlene was referring to. How obvious is it? Who else knows?

Did he really feel that way about Remus? (Love?)

(Love).

Sirius hates the word, hates that it makes everything so fucking complicated and ruins lives. People say that love feels like butterflies and tastes like honey, smells like flowers and is everything about the world that's good and pure. But to Sirius, love feels like a punch to the gut ( _friend_ , he says), tastes like the vomit that rises in the back of your throat when you think about confessing (think about rejection), smells like another man's cologne in his hair and there's nothing you can do about it because he's not yours (he's never been yours). To Sirius, love is everything about the world that is hateful and bad, everything that hurts.

And yet, Sirius knows, he's in love with him.

Sirius Black is in love with Remus Lupin.

Fuck.

"You look like you could use a light." Speak of the devil. Sirius looks up at Remus, eyes wide. He furrows his brows in confusion and taps the spot beside Sirius with his foot. "Can I sit?" Sirius blinks, realizes that Remus is, in fact, talking to him, and nods quickly (too quickly, Remus definitely knows something is up). He flicks his lighter, tilting his head. Sirius nods.

"Cheers." He takes a drag before passing it to Remus' lips, staring as he closes his eyes, inhaling the smoke into his lungs. The words thump as loud as his heartbeat and Sirius is sure Remus can hear it (I love you, I love you, I love you). "Having a good time?"

(Sirius hopes he isn't, they've barely spent any time together. Remus' been too busy with fucking Dearborn. Sirius wants to punch Caradoc square in his stupidly attractive face).

"Sure." His heart plummets and he takes another drag. Remus goes on, "would've rather stay in, though. We could've listened to those new records I was telling you about." Sirius' ears perk up and he cracks a grin.

"Whatever would you do without me?" He doesn't mention the records, because he knows that they both know that it would be infinitely better than this damn party (also, because he's afraid that he'll say something stupid) (love). Remus steals the cigarette from Sirius' grasp and inhales deeply, chuckling softly. If love could be expressed in an image, it'd be this one; Remus, the dim lighting creating shadows on his face, a fag hanging loosely from his fingers and smoke trickling out his nose. (Sirius has to look away). "Stay home every night? Go to bed at eight? Wither away and die?" Remus laughs.

"Probably," Remus pushes his hair out of his face with his slender fingers. "You keep me interesting." Sirius twists his face his disagreement and shakes his head.

"You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met, Rem." Sirius pulls his vodka out of the pocket in his leather jacket, having finished Mary's girly yet delicious drink, and takes a large swig before passing it to Remus. Sirius can tell he's blushing and tugging on his jumper sleeves without even looking. It's his defence mechanism when faced with compliments. "I could study you forever."

Remus coughs. "You hate studying and you're very drunk. Don't say things you don't mean." Sirius shakes his head, pulling his second cigarette free from behind his ear and dislodging some black hair that falls gracefully into his face.

"I would never lie to you."

A heavy silence falls between the two and Sirius can't breath, because he knows that sentence in itself is a lie. He lies to Remus everyday, every time the mild-mannered boy ends up in his bed, every time he steals a glance when he's not supposed to. Sirius lies to Remus when he pretends that he doesn't love him with every fibre of his being.

Remus clears his throat, oblivious to the poisonous thoughts of his friend. Sirius feels nauseous, wants to rid himself of these feelings, wants to go back. He wishes he never started this stupid agreement.

He knows what's James would say, what James would urge him to confess. But how could he? Even the _thought_ of rejection, of losing Remus forever, makes Sirius feel empty and sick. He also knows what Peter would say, fill him with the disease known as hope. Peter's good that way, always the positive one.

It's just not realistic. As if Remus, who's whole and good and pure inside, would ever — could ever loved Sirius, who's selfish and damaged and fucked up in ways that are unimaginable.

Sirius would destroy Remus. Everyone knows it.

With Remus, as much as he wants to, Sirius can't be selfish. Remus doesn't deserve that, doesn't deserve to be dragged into the deadly chasm known as Sirius Black. Maybe it's time for Sirius to mature, to not keep the light that's Remus Lupin until it burns out.

"We shouldn't do this." The words tumble from his lips before he can stop them. Remus stops mid-drag and looks at Sirius with wide eyes. Sirius isn't sure what they mean, but he looks away before he can decipher the emotion swimming behind them. The longer he stares into those honey coloured eyes, the weaker he becomes. He has to be strong enough to do this, not only for Remus, but for himself. As independent as he is, Sirius really does take his friends advice into consideration. Marlene's right, this arrangement is killing him.

He needs to stop torturing himself.

"What?" Remus asks and Sirius realizes he's been silent for a long time. He clears his throat.

"This," he gestures between the two of them. "Me, you. Us, I guess if you can call it that. It's just... I don't think it's good for us." Remus is frozen and Sirius wants to stop talking, to grab his face and snog the life out of him. He wants to take him home, but he can't. Sirius needs to do this.

"Wait..." Remus shakes his head, confused. "Who— what brought this up?" Sirius stares at his scuffed boots, unable to look Remus in the eyes.

"It's just something Marlene said and I realized I need to do this. Our arrangement... or whatever we have going — I... I hate it." Sirius regrets the words as soon as they fall from his mouth, but he can't take them back. The damage is done. He looks up with wide eyes to see the hurt flash across Remus' face and his heart wrenches painfully in his chest. A stony glare hardens Remus' features.

"I guess if that's how you feel." He stands up and throws the cigarette on the ground, crushing it with his feet. "I told Caradoc I wouldn't take be too long." Remus practically spits the words and Sirius feels tears threatening to spill. Remus is rarely cruel, but when he is... his words hit you where it hurts (Sirius thinks he learned that from himself, it's so obviously a Black trait). He nods curtly.

"Have fun."

///

Sirius starts the next morning miserably draped over the toilet seat, emptying the contents of his stomach. He wants to wallow in his own self pity and die, but Lily, of all people, insisted that she stay with him all day.

"It's really not necessary, Lils, 'm fine." She tuts in a way that reminds him of James' mother and Sirius almost laughs, before he's overcome by another wave of nausea.

"S'alright, let it out." Lily twists her hand and grips his hair tighter, rubbing his back so soothingly that Sirius wants to cry at the kindness she's showing him. Despite all the teasing and bickering that passes between them, Sirius doesn't know what he'd do without her (he loves her more than words can explain). His stomach rolls at the thought of the dreaded word and he gags, despite nothing coming up. "I've never seen you hungover, love. This is a new one, I must admit."

Sirius shakes his head, "I'm not hungover."

It's true, Sirius Black doesn't get hangovers. This whole ordeal is Remus' fault (but mostly his own, like most things are). Lily laughs.

"Okay, so you're not vomiting up gallons worth of cheap vodka right now." Sirius looks at her in shock and she laughs again. "Sirius, darling, I know you better than you know yourself. I know you always drink shitty vodka to get plastered quickly and also because you figure with all the expensive liquor your family drinks, vodka is the easiest way to distance yourself from them even more than you already have. I know you never chunder because you don't get nauseous when you're hungover but today you are, but it's probably only partially due to the alcohol and mostly to do with Remus. I also know you hate that I'm saying this to you and are probably going to ignore and deflect, because that's what you do when you're faced with any emotion that's too complex for your pretty little head."

Sirius vomits. Lily giggles and Sirius temporarily hates her, how can she be so fucking happy all the time? Her and James belong together.

(He also hates how every single thing she said is perfectly correct and a direct reflection of who he is as a person. Is he really that easy to read?)

"You don't have to talk about it, you know. I'm not trying to be your therapist, I just figured that it might be easier to explain this sort of thing to me, rather than James and Peter. They're great, but I know they can be a oblivious at times and even a little, forgive me if I'm too harsh, naïve, too. I'll tell you the truth, you can always talk to me." She rubs his back again and he sits back against the wall, rubbing the back of his hand against his clammy forehead. Does he want to talk about it? (Of course not, he doesn't even want to think about it). But he needs to, he knows this, and against his better judgement, Sirius nods his head.

"Give me fifteen."

(He sincerely hopes he doesn't regret this.)

///

They sit in his living room, each with a cup of tea that Lily insisted would make them feel better (Sirius thinks it makes them a pair of birds). Lily doesn't say anything and neither does Sirius. This wasn't his idea, he's not going to make the first move. Lily shifts on the couch and rolls her eyes, definitely fed up with the suffocating silence. Sirius smirks into his cup.

(He said he'd talk, he never said he'd make it easy on her.)

"So... you're in love with Remus." Lily says it so suddenly and so casually that Sirius chokes on his tea, coughing before staring at her with wide eyes. It's her turn to smirk and Sirius hates that she's so intuitive.

"W-what— how," he gapes at her, mind filled with so many questions. "Who knows?" Lily frowns and puts her tea down, burning holes into Sirius skull.

"Only James and I," she pauses, "unfortunately."

"James!" Sirius sputters, shocked that his daft best friend could even produce that thought on his own (there's no way Lily didn't put the idea there, the meddler that she is). "Unfortunately?!"

"Unfortunate that Remus doesn't know." Lily waves a hand in the air as if that explains everything and Sirius' anger flares as she says it so innocently, so casually. This is not a matter to be taken lightly, it's Sirius' life on the line.

"It better be kept like that." Sirius growls and Lily raises an eyebrow, her face half amused, half daring (Sirius _knows_ that it's a face she's picked up from bloody James).

"Or what, Sirius?" Her tone is light, but he can almost taste the cruelty underneath it. Sirius knows when something is going to bite, he is a Black after all.

They stare at each other in stony silence, the tension so high he can feel it humming in his bones. Sirius feels like there's an elastic band between them, pulling and pulling, ready to snap and hurt the other. He doesn't want to hurt her, he never wants to hurt anyone. Sirius sighs and bows his head, his end of the elastic surrendered. 

(Sirius has been making an effort to be less impulsive when it comes to his emotions. His explosive anger is the ugliness that comes from the Black name and Sirius, despite it being woven into DNA, wants the tradition to change with him. He wishes he was collected, calm and able to keep himself controlled.)

(Remus is the definition of control.)

"He can't know." Sirius whispers so quietly he isn't quite sure that Lily even heard him (he won't repeat himself if she didn't). He looks up to see her staring at him with those large green eyes, filled with an emotion that he can barely decipher, but already knows he hates. Pity? Sympathy? Doesn't matter. Sirius looks away before the vomit rises in the back of his throat.

"What are you afraid of?" He snaps his head back up, staring at her incredulously, his temper once again coursing through his veins and itching his fingertips. What's he afraid of? What _isn't_ he afraid of? Longing, Remus, love... it's all so new to him. Why shouldn't he be afraid?

"What are _you_ afraid of?" He shoots her question right back, venom dripping from his lips, because how _dare_ Lily have the audacity to even think about mentioning a confession when she's been sitting on a mountain of feelings for James ever since she's been denying them. Lily inhales sharply, crossing her arms and glaring at him angrily.

"You really want to know?" Lily snaps, "I'll say my share, because unlike some of us I can have a mature, adult conversation about my feelings without deflecting and pouting like a child. Me? I'm afraid that I'll tell James I'm in love him and we'll be together and it'll be absolute magic and then, boom! Something clicks in his brain that I'm not who he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and then he leaves me, because it's a widely known fact that he's a better person than me; funnier, kinder, much more likeable. So yeah, Sirius, that's what I'm afraid of. I'm scared to death that the man who I so desperately want to spend the rest of my life with will grow tired of me."

Sirius gapes, he has no words. Yeah, he knew that Lily was in love with James (who didn't?), but to hear about her fears and worries about his best friend, to hear something that intimate, stuns him. In the moment, he wishes he was more like Lily, more like someone who didn't grow up unloved and afraid, more like someone who knew how to properly identify and express their emotions. He feels like he should say something, to comfort her, but the words escape him.

"Lily—" he starts and then stops as she raises her hand, shaking her head slowly.

"I've done my part and now you can do yours, if not I can leave and we never have to talk about this again."

It's tempting, it really is. Sirius has never been one to healthily express his emotion and would rather abuse various drugs, to act out in ways that only ever disappoints his friends. But right here, right now, he wonders if he'll have the courage to take Lily's offer and talk about himself... talk about his feelings. Fear grips at his insides and coats them with something slippery, his stomach squirms and he can feel the nausea build, but it's now or never.

He chooses now.

(Remus would be proud.)

"I don't know." Sirius breathes and half expects Lily to get up and leave, unsatisfied with his fumbled response. But she stays puts and so Sirius is forced to continue. "Everything... maybe? I think that's what I'm afraid of... everything."

"Everything in regards to what?" Lily asks carefully and Sirius shrugs, keeping his eyes downcast. He hates this; hates the vulnerability, the intimacy, that comes from revealing such a hidden secret.

"In regards to Remus." He inhales sharply, he also hates how his stomach flips and heart pounds at the mention of the other boy's name. "I'm scared that he'll hate me, probably, think of me as a burden of some sort. It was kind of an unspoken rule when we started," Sirius gestures aimlessly to avoid saying the words, "you know. We weren't supposed to ever feel anything other than our friendship that proved to be compatible in and out of the bedroom. Me falling in— having feelings for him is something that was never supposed to happen."

The room is silent and Sirius can feel Lily's eyes on him. His face burns and he grimaces, he was never one to blush before Remus (he was never one for many things before Remus). She clears her throat and still Sirius keeps his eyes on a faded spot on the carpet, he can't bear to look up now, not when his heart is out beating on the coffee table for Lily to examine.

"So what're you going to do about it?"

"It's already done," Sirius says quickly, "I told him last night. It's better for both of us this way, I think. I... I'm in love with him, Lily, but I needed to leave. It was killing me," he laughs darkly, "I know what you're thinking, so do the drugs, and the binge drinking, and all the other activities that you and James whisper about when you think I can't hear, despite the both of you partaking in the very same things. I'm not as fragile or bloody... br-broken as you two think I am, you know! Yeah, my childhood was shite but... but—"

Lily cuts him off, "Sirius, we don't think that. We're worried, yes, sometimes when you go on your little... benders, but we know you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself." He takes a deep breath, ignoring her words altogether, because he knows that he'll react in a way that he's so desperately trying to change, and focuses on the more important matter at hand.

"I'm selfish, I know, and I'm sure me cutting him off seems that way, but... it wasn't for me— okay maybe some of it was, but I think that's okay, to not do something that you love because it twists your insides and hurts your heart and... and kills you! But, it was mostly for him." Sirius drops his voice to a whisper. "Because he's so good and fucking... pure or some soppy shite like that and I can't do that to him, Lily. I would fucking ruin him, I know I would, because he's generous and calm and kind, and... and I'm selfish and chaotic and cruel. He's got this... this light inside of him and the Black in me would, most definitely, stomp it out. I can't do that to him, I can't."

The room is silent and Sirius half-expects Lily's chair to be empty when he looks up, scared by the darkness and self-loathing inside of him. Yet, he keeps his gaze fixed on anything but, because he's not sure if he could handle another heartbreak. What feels like hours (but is really just minutes) pass by and he wonders what Remus would do if he heard everything Sirius had just confessed. Would he run away? Feel sick at the thought? (In all honesty, Remus would most likely comfort him before letting him down gently, because that's the type of person Remus is, the kind that puts the feelings of others first) (the type of person Sirius will never be).

"Okay." Is all Lily says and Sirius can't keep himself from whipping his head up to look at her with incredulous eyes. After her insistent poking and prodding, all she gives him is 'okay'? He's not sure whether to feel angry or relieved.

"Okay?" He asks, half-skeptical and half-shocked. She nods, pushing some red hair out of her face.

"Okay." She repeats, "you said it was done and I'm not about to meddle in your love life because we're very similar, Sirius, and I would hate if someone were to do that in mine. You've had many chances, mind you, to meddle, but have thankfully kept your nose clean and remained impartial. You don't want me to be your therapist."

In all honesty, Sirius isn't at all sure what he wanted and so he shrugs. "Okay."

(He was beginning to hate the word.)

Lily takes a deep breath, before speaking up again. "But I will say this, Sirius, you're too harsh on yourself. You are not your family, your last name is the only thing that could possibly tie you to them. You're good, Sirius, and I'm saying that from my completely honest, unbiased point of view. I hated you back at school, you and James both. Thought you two were a pair of privileged tossers, but we became acquaintances, then friends, and I saw you. You really don't give yourself enough credit, you loathe this imaginary hold you think your family has on you, when in reality? You've pushed yourself further from them then I would've ever thought possible. You're passionate and driven and you love so deeply, not just with Remus, but with all of us. You're kind to Peter when others taunt him, you're the one person James trusts more than anything, you understand me more than I understand myself. You're fiercely protective of your friends, because this is the family that everyone associates you with. You are more than a Black, Sirius."

Lily stands up and Sirius keeps his head down, determined not to show her the tears that wet his eyes. It's not the first time someone has told him he was different, but it was the first time that someone had ever said those exact words — _You are more than a Black_ — with such ferocity, with such conviction. Lily presses a kiss to his hair as she walks by and he nods, overwhelmed by the love and affection he feels for her. (He 100%, wholeheartedly approves of her and James).

"Oh and Sirius?" He wipes his eyes and looks at her in his doorway, partly out the door. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this, because it might classify as meddling, but sod it, I think a little meddle is good from time to time. If someone so much as mentions your name around Remus, he lights up. You're delusional if you think you stomp that out." Sirius smiles sadly and nods slowly.

"Thanks, Lily." He manages to croak, but when he looks up she's already gone.

/// 

Sirius keeps Lily's words stored away, sometimes at the back of his mind and sometimes at the bottom of his heart. He cherishes them, but can't seem to make anything of the truth, because... well, he made up his mind. Sirius has no use for false hope.

So, he goes on what Lily and James love to call a ' _Black_ _Bender_ '. He vomits more times in one week than all the times he ever has in his life (sometimes from the drinking, sometimes because he has nothing else to do and he just feels so goddamn sick all the time) (sick of what, Sirius doesn't know). He brings home random men and fucks them as hard as he possibly can, because he can't stand to be gentle anymore (the men never, ever, have amber coloured eyes or sandy hair, and they most _definitely_ do not wear jumpers and smile ridiculous, exasperated half-smiles that make his heart squeeze so painfully he isn't sure it won't explode). Sirius invites Peter over every day — before, after, between classes — and they always light one up and laugh and bond and do everything that they don't get the chance to do as often (he tries not to loathe him when Pete starts to make feeble, sheepish excuses about trying to quit that so conveniently pop up after he and James hold a hushed, three-hour-long phone call).

So, to counterattack the _Black Bender_ , Lily and James hover and insist on fun, wholesome activities for the trio to do. They go mini-putting, and visit art galleries, and go out for brunch, which Sirius hates with every bone in his body, because no matter how trendy it's become, it will always be a stupid, fucking half-meal for the posh. A stupid, fucking half-meal that Sirius had to endure every Sunday over the course of his childhood. But, of course, James and Lily are only trying to be good, supportive friends and so, to try and be as good and supportive as them, Sirius keeps quiet and pretends to enjoy the cheesy albeit thoughtful excursions his best friends plan for him.

Sirius doesn't have any outbursts or break anything or anybody and slowly, he starts to lessen on the drinking and the smoking and the fucking. Maybe Lily and James have some pretty brilliant ideas after all. 

And yet, through it all, Sirius constantly misses Remus.

(Remus doesn't try to make contact and Sirius isn't sure whether he's heartbroken or relieved.)

(Probably both).

///

For Lily's twenty-first birthday, James and Sirius throw her a surprise party (or rather, Sirius is stuck with the responsibility for the entire celebration, because James is too scared he'll muck things up for the girl he's so hopelessly in love with). They invite everyone they know to their flat, because if there's anything Lily would want for her birthday, it's a fucking rager.

The presents that everyone's brought for Lily have made a teetering tower in James' bedroom and Sirius steers clear, not wanting to be the one responsible for the mess. He chats with people he hasn't seen in a while and drinks and laughs and feels _light_ , for the first time in what seems like forever.

"Sirius, you bastard!" Lily is bouncing towards him and yelling, with no real heat to her voice. "You know how I hate surprises! You lot scared the shite out of me!" Sirius grins and takes her by the waist, pulling her in for a tight hug, and pressing a kiss to her forehead as she looks up at him with playfully narrowed eyes.

"Oh trust me, Evans, I could tell!" She hits him in the arm as he snickers at the memory of her shrill and quite embarrassing scream that the surprise had gotten out of her. "Where's Potter?"

At this, Lily blushes and ducks her gaze to the floor. Sirius immediately becomes far more curious as she pulls out a small box and a manila card from behind her back. "James personally gave me my birthday gift and I'm too much of a coward to open it."

Sirius nods at her sympathetically; despite the couple being inseparable for the past couple of weeks, there was still the undercurrent of the tension that came from the two being in love and neither having the courage to confess first. Fortunately, Sirius had convinced James that there was no time better than the present and all that shite, so James had poured his heart and soul into Lily's gift. In that small, neatly wrapped box was a ring that wasn't for marriage, but might as well have been. It was one that promised marriage, one day, accompanied by a heart achingly beautiful letter that was chalk-full of all the reasons James was in love with Lily and all the promises he intended to keep (Sirius thought James had gone soft and most definitely _did not_ shed a tear when he read it).

"You'll love it, Lily," Sirius smiles warmly and ruffles the red hair that he knows took her hours to curl. She scowls at him. "My only suggestion is that you find him before you open it." He knows that James really had wanted to be there when she opened the gift, leaving her to it only because he didn't want to seem like an annoyance. The poor sod was probably shaking in the bathroom, willing himself not to vomit because of the nerves. As much as Sirius loved to make James sweat, he didn't entirely deserve to have an the night ruined because Lily was just as nervous as he.

Lily bites her lip, nodding, before patting Sirius' arm and disappearing into the crowd to find her one true love or soulmate or whatever the romantics were calling it nowadays.

(Sirius hates romantics and yet wishes he could be one. His life is far too unromantic as is.)

Sirius grins at the throngs of people and, against his better judgment, finds himself wishing for Remus to appear in the crowd. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder, because Sirius suddenly can't stop thinking about the quiet boy. It's been a while since Sirius has loved anything as ferociously as him and he decides he needs a smoke to calm the racing of his beating heart.

He opts to take the lift down instead of the balcony, because it's far too crowded for his liking. The bass is pounding, despite the minimal muffling job the door and walls manage to get done, and Sirius is surprised none of the older residents in their building have made a complaint yet. In the lobby, he flashes an old woman a charming smile for good measure and to apologize for the shock she'll no doubt receive when she reaches the fourth floor. Sirius clenches a fag in his teeth before pulling on his leather jacket and facing the night.

It's chilly for a summer night and Sirius is glad he remembered his jacket. He walks down the steps and his heart stops in his chest as he's greeted with the boy he'd been avoiding for so long. A cool breeze tousles his hair and Sirius can't help but think that this is deja-vu for the night when he realized the true extent of his feelings for a certain Remus Lupin.

He looks different and the same all at once and Sirius isn't really sure what to make of it. The loose curls of his hair are lighter, even in the dark, and Sirius knows it's most likely from spending time in the sun that's also seemed to form new freckles on the bridge of his nose. Remus is wearing a thin, knit jumper that isn't anything special and yet, Sirius can't breathe as he drinks in the taller boy, drinks in his wiry frame and thin fingers. The scars on his face are the same too and he has to clench his fists to remind him that he can't kiss the scars that he knows still cause Remus nightmares of blaring horns and twisting metal. Sirius wonders if he's been getting enough sleep, probably not judging by the dark circles that rim his soft eyes. His heart thumps wildly as those beautiful, kind amber eyes lock with his own cool grey.

(Remus has been staring almost as intently as Sirius).

"Hi." Remus is the first to talk and his smooth, quiet voice knocks the wind out of Sirius. He nods.

"Hi." He gestures back to the building. "You heading up?" Remus looks startled that Sirius has spoken more than one sentence to him and shrugs, a small hum coming from the back of his throat. Sirius can feel his knees go week.

"I was only going to drop Lily's gift off and wish her a happy birthday. Haven't seen much of her lately, seems to be spending more time with James than usual." Remus' gaze drops to his feet and he seems sad. Sirius wants to hug him until he can't breathe anymore, he knows Remus well enough to guess that Remus is hurt because his best friends are all spending more time with each other than him (really, Sirius doesn't need to guess, because he knows Remus inside and out, but the uncertainty he pretends to hold in regards to the man in front of him helps keep the feelings at bay). Sirius can't help but feel guilty.

"And me." Sirius thinks it's the wrong thing to say, because Remus seems to deflate even more, so he hurries on. "I went on a bit of a bender, James needed all the help he could get reeling me back in."

"Infamous Black Bender, then?" They chuckle quietly. "James mentioned something about that."

Now it's Sirius' turn to feel hurt, because what was James doing telling Remus things he had no business of knowing and spending time with Remus without him (Sirius ignores the fact that James and Remus are also best friends and that he and Remus were once too, before he mucked it up with feelings and all that, so maybe he did have a right to know). Sirius still can't push the tightness from his chest, so he nods tightly and cups his hand around his fag, lighting it and breathing in a couple puffs before speaking again.

"You're allowed to stay as long as you want, you know." Remus looks shocked again. "Don't mind me... or us, they're just as much your best mates as they are mine."

"Okay." Is all Remus says and Sirius speaks again, going against everything he's tried to fight in the past couple of weeks.

"Or you can stay out here if you want, maybe. Have a quick smoke." Remus smiles and Sirius hands him a cigarette, knowing that the other man hates carrying them around because it helps him think that he doesn't smoke. Sirius smiles, too.

They sit on the steps in silence, neither one moving to speak first. Sirius wants to, desperately wants to, but he can't. He's scared that if he does open his mouth, the words he's been blocking ever since he met Remus will flow out of his mouth. All the 'I miss yous' and 'you're the only person I've ever loved and probably the only person I ever will' will spill from his lips like vomit and Sirius isn't sure he can stand the embarrassment or rejection that's sure to follow. Still, he doesn't want to sit in silence with the man he loves, and so he settles on the first, safe, thought that comes to mind.

"What'd you get her?" Sirius drops his cigarette by his foot and stomps it out, before gesturing to the gift bag covered with multicolour polka-dots by Remus' feet. He grabs another cigarette.

"Wha— oh, just some hand towels she's had her eye on for a while," Remus shifts, face pinking up with embarrassment, "plus this poetry book by this author she's been obsessed with... oh, and a scarf from my mum." Sirius lights his cigarette, grinning, and hands Remus another one, lighting it for him as well (he pretends his hands burn from the fire and not from being so close to the freckled skin).

"Proper adult things, then?" Remus laughs airily and Sirius' chest tightens at the sound. "I got her lingerie and handcuffs, real filthy stuff, accompanied by a note that tells her how to make good use of it for Jamie." Remus barks with laughter and Sirius grins, before laughing along with him.

"She's going to skin you alive one of these days, I swear." Remus looks at him with twinkling eyes and Sirius shrugs, looking at the cigarette in his pale hand so he doesn't have to endure the torture of those beautiful eyes.

"Probably." He smiles and bumps his shoulder against the other boy's. "Say, why've I never gotten one of Hope's famous scarves?" Remus laughs through his nose and leaves his shoulder warm against Sirius'.

"You have so!" Remus says indignantly, "I must've gifted at least three during school."

Sirius hums, tapping his mouth with his finger and hiding the smile that's threatening to form, as he pretends to remember. "Ah, you're right! How could I forget? Warmest scarves I've ever had the pleasure of wearing." They both laugh and suddenly he's overwhelmed by the need he has for Remus, the need he's been pushing away for so long. He misses him so fucking much.

"I miss this." Remus says quietly and Sirius wills himself not to breathe, because now he's not sure his mind didn't make it up just to play cruel tricks on him. Remus drops his voice to a whisper. "I miss you." Despite the softness of his voice, Sirius is certain it wasn't his brain putting words into Remus' mouth, it really was the other boy. Remus' real, authentic thoughts. Sirius isn't sure whether he wants to cry or snog him so thoroughly that his lips are pink and swollen, and his curls stick up in unflattering ways.

"I miss you, too." Sirius takes a deep breath, pushing the thought once step further. "I miss us, you know, before..."

Truth is, Sirius misses before, and he also misses during, but he can't say that or else he'll wreck everything he's tried so hard to forget. Sirius just misses everything.

"Before..." Remus echoes.

"You were— are my best friend, Remus. I miss you so much." Sirius now looks him in the eye, grey piercing amber, and thinks how nice it would be if Remus were to pull him in for a kiss (how nice, then heartbreakingly painful it would be).

"Me too... I'm sorry." Remus whispers and Sirius thinks he might've heard his voice break, so he wraps an arm around the skinnier boy, all pretenses of them being out here for a 'quick smoke break' being forgotten along with the cigarettes at their feet. Remus turns his head into Sirius' shoulder and sniffs, body shaking ever-so slightly. Sirius' heart breaks and he knows instantly that he would do anything to have his friendship with Remus back, even if it means burying the feelings and never letting them breathe.

"I'm so sorry, too," Sirius' breath catches, because he's never been one to apologize and the words feel stiff on his tongue, "I was a right git." Remus shakes his head and looks up with watery eyes.

"It was my fault, I was cruel that night to bring up Caradoc," anger pulses through Sirius at the name, "and I should've realized that... or noticed... that you hated whatever we h-had. I didn't mean to put you in that position and if I'd've known, I would've immediately stopped sleeping with you." Tears mirror Remus' in Sirius' own eyes and something changes in him, because there's no way he can be best friends with Remus again if he lets him believe it was all his fault, if he doesn't tell him the truth.

(Sirius thinks he might vomit).

"No!" He immediately puts a stop to Remus' racing thoughts, but removes his arm and instead clasps his hands together in his lap. "It had nothing to do with you... well, I mean it did, but it had nothing to do with not liking... sleeping with you." The night is silent and Sirius wonders if the people who were going to go out tonight opted to stay in, so that Sirius could confess without interruptions. Pain grows in his chest at the thought of Remus' eventual disgust, but still he continues.

"I liked it... loved it, even, and... I think that's what the problem was." Remus stays silent and Sirius is forced to keep talking, keep making a fool of himself. "I had a talk with Lily about all this and she tried to convince me it wasn't true, and maybe she succeeded a little, but these fucking thoughts, and... and insecurities will always have a hold on me. It makes me second-guess everything I do and I guess... I think I was just scared, more than anything. I didn't want to hurt you and then I did and I just fuck everything up like the Black I am. You're just... you're you, you know?" Sirius' breathing was heavier now and he had to clear his throat to banish the strangled, frantic note that was starting to lace his voice.

"So, I had to end it, because..." Sirius drops his voice to a whisper, clenching his fists, "I'm so in love with you, so much that it hurts, and I hurt people. I can't hurt you, Remus. I can't."

Remus doesn't speak and Sirius wants the ground to swallow him whole, so he won't have to bear witness to the epic rejection he's no doubt mulling over in his brain, looking for the easiest way to brush off Sirius' burden of a confession. Sirius almost wants to leave, but he thinks, if anything, he deserves an answer. He needs an answer if he ever wants the possibility of getting over him. So, he stays put and Remus stays silent, and the world seems to have stopped on its axis. Finally, Remus speaks, and with it, Sirius breathes a little.

"You're right, you do hurt people; you don't always think of others and your temper is borderline explosive." Sirius' heart rips apart in his chest as the rejection he had hoped wouldn't come slaps him in the face. Remus continues, "but I hurt people too and so does James and Lily and Peter. You don't hurt others because you're a Black, it just means you're a human. Humans make mistakes and have flaws, and believe me when I say that I know what your flaws are, but... I don't care. I love your flaws, Sirius, and your perfections, and everything about you. I'm in love with you too... have been since school, really." Sirius' head whips up so fast that he isn't sure he didn't just give himself whiplash, eyes meeting Remus', who smiles tentatively. Sirius gapes and his eyes widen, before he thinks _sod it_ , and grabs Remus' face. He tangles his fingers in those beautiful, beautiful curls, and smiles against those soft lips. Sirius kisses him hard and soft all at once, passionate and careful, and Remus kisses him back just the same.

(So this is how it feels to kiss someone who's in love with you).

They pull apart, chests heaving and breath ragged. Their lips are swollen and Sirius can't help but laugh. Remus looks at him funny, but joins in, because neither can believe what they just confessed.

"We've been dancing around each other for fucking ages!" Sirius is laughing so hard that tears are coming out of his eyes, even though nothing's all that funny. Remus is laughing just as hard. "Everyone has been right this entire bloody time!" 

Remus grins and pulls him in for another kiss. "Everyone can kindly bugger off, because I _know_ , we'll be hearing about their detective skills and fucking intuition or whatnot for the rest of our lives." Sirius smiles against the other boy's lips and thinks he could get used to this.

(And maybe he wouldn't mind everyone's teasing so much if they really are to be together for the rest of their lives).

///

Marlene proposes to Dorcas the next week and soon enough, everyone's pulled into the frenzy of wedding planning. James nearly tries to propose to Lily, despite the advice of Sirius and Remus, and is promptly shut down, because Lily insists that she will not be the one to steal the thunder of her best friends. Alice does not have the same idea and joyfully accepts Frank's proposal, who was clearly caught up in the storm of wedding planning. Marlene and Alice don't speak for weeks, despite the reprimands from their significant others.

So here Sirius sits, in the beautiful and incredibly lavish reception (no doubt Marlene's wealthy upbringing taking its toll) of the newly married Mckinnon-Meadowes. He grins at his awkward boyfriend try to dance with Lily, only to step all over her feet. Lily giggles and Sirius can hear an embarrassingly love-sick sigh from beside him. Despite all the changes that've occurred in the past year, James is still pants at keeping his cool when it comes to his soulmate (had it been before, Sirius would've gagged at the word, but now... he thinks he understands). Sirius kicks him under the table.

"Oi." James yelps, rubbing his bruised shin. "What'd you do that for?"

Sirius grins and ruffles the hair of his bespectacled brother. "Evans. God knows the embarrassment that would be caused for her, had she heard you over there sounding like a right poofter." James flips him the bird and scowls, though there's no real anger behind it. Sirius smiles softly and he thinks about how much he loves his best friend, really loves him. James is one of the reasons (one of the many reasons, now) in which he's so grateful for in his life. For the first time ever, Sirius is truly happy with life. It's a feeling that's quite foreign to him.

"Don't you pass your title on to me, fucking nancy." James grumbles playfully and Sirius gives him a quick shove, quickly stopping as they see the daggers Marlene is shooting their way. They cough to hide the laughs that're sure to make her even angrier. "I'm going to marry her, you know. I'll propose proper after all this wedding business is done... she's who I want to spend the rest of my life with." Sirius glances at James who only has eyes for Lily, eyes full of adoration and love.

"You two're brilliant together, I full heartedly approve."

"Yeah?" James blinds Sirius with a wide smile at his acceptance, "what about you and Remus, then?" Sirius' gaze flits to the man who's currently trying to dip Lily with no success. His heart swells with love and he has to look away before he bloody well starts crying and James takes the piss even more than he usually does.

"Yeah..." Sirius says softly, small smile playing on his lips. "I've thought about it." James smiles, before clapping a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

"What've they done to us? Turned us manly-men into love struck birds, eh?" James jokes and is surprised with a flick to the forehead by a glaring Lily. Sirius snickers into the palm of his hand.

"Tell me, James, what's the problem with being a love struck bird?" She scolds and James throws his hands up in surrender, before grabbing her by the waist and kissing her cheek lovingly.

"I'll be a love struck bird for you any day, Evans." Lily gags, before laughing as she wriggles out of his grasp, pulling her own boyfriend onto the dance floor and returning Sirius his. He grins as Remus flops down in a chair beside him, panting heavily.

"Quite the dancer, you are." Sirius smirks. Remus rolls his eyes good naturedly, grabbing Sirius' hands and intertwining their fingers.

"Shove off, not everyone had ballroom-dancing classes as a child." They laugh and Sirius squeezes his hand. "It's a beautiful wedding, Marlene is quite the planner." Remus smiles, knowing full-well that Marlene had complete control over the wedding as Dorcas couldn't tell the difference between _eggshell_ and _off-white_ , which both Sirius and Marlene had deemed a crime.

"Hey, I'll have you know my aristocratic hand had a very influential hold on this wedding." A slow song comes on and Sirius raises an eyebrow, nodding to the dance floor where the couples had started to infiltrate. Remus shakes his head quickly.

"I need at least an hour's break before I can even think about setting foot on that bloody floor again." Sirius laughs and nods in agreement (he is more than happy to stay seated, hands locked together and pulled in Remus' lap). The two watch the newly-weds sway back and forth, arms locked around the other, pulling their bodies as close as can. Dorcas and Marlene make radiant brides (but Sirius thinks that maybe it's just the love that they have for each other that exudes the charm).

"Touch over the top, though." Sirius sniffs in a hideously posh way, making Remus giggle. "But really, that's Marlene. She's always been one for extravagance. It's perfect for them, it really is." Remus nods happily and continues to stare at the brides. Sirius' chest tightens and he thinks that maybe one day it'll be him and Remus that everyone'll be looking at so adoringly.

(His heart swells at the thought).

Sirius' eyes dart between Remus and the floor, before rubbing his free hand on the back of his neck and speaking so quietly, he isn't sure if Remus is going to hear. "Ours would be more simplistic, I think. Modern and all that." He looks up and meets Remus' gaze, who has definitely heard him and is now sporting wide eyes that Sirius would have thought of as comical, had he not just exposed his beating heart. Remus quickly controls his face and raises an eyebrow, smirking in a very Sirius-like way. Sirius wants to groan, of course Remus wasn't going to let him out easy.

"Oh? We're getting married now, are we?" Sirius scowls and keeps his eyes trained on a hysterically laughing Lily and James, who've started to gain the annoyance of more than one couple nearby. He shrugs with faux nonchalance, trying to hide the wild beating of his heart and the blush that's creeping on his neck with it.

"It's an option, I guess." Sirius grumbles and Remus laughs, bringing his hand up to his lips and kissing the back lightly. Sirius smiles at his boyfriend (he loves that word, but he thinks that maybe he'd love fiancé or husband more).

"If that's you proposing, then of course, Sirius." Remus smiles softly from behind his long lashes. "Although I was quite looking forward to you getting down on one knee." Sirius grins and presses a lightning fast kiss to his lips, keeping his face close enough to touch his lips as he speaks.

"How 'bout when we get home, I get down on both?" Remus' eyes widen and he nods quickly. Sirius laughs, this time pressing a softer kiss to the other boy's mouth. "I will, though... you know, get a ring and have a speech and maybe some rose petals or something as equally as poufy. The whole nine-yards for you, Rem. You deserve that." (Truth is, Remus deserves everything.)

Remus blushes and nods slowly, smile spreading across his pink lips. "Only if you know the difference between ivory and eggshell though, can't have a ceremony with clashing whites." Sirius glares at Remus, flipping up the middle finger of his free hand.

"It makes a bloody difference, I'll have you know! Also, Marlene and Dorcas' argument was on eggshell and off-white, not ivory. If anything, it's ivory and cream that are similar, but that's still an offence if you have an eye for it, Remus!" Remus laughs and runs his fingers through his curls. Sirius scowls at his talent for interior design being teased so easily. The slow song is over and they're joined by a breathless and pink-cheeked Lily and James. They slouch into the empty chairs at the table with a content sigh and Sirius and Remus snigger at the couple.

"Can't even slow dance without tiring himself out," Sirius whispers dramatically, "how bad d'you reckon it is in bed?" Remus laughs loudly as James glares at the two angrily. Evans only smirks.

"Pretty fantastic judging by the shreds that my birthday present is in by now, Black." Lily purses her lips in a very self-satisfactory way and all three boys have gaping mouths. James pumps a fist in the air and whoops with pride.

"That's the woman I love!"

"Touché." Sirius exchanges an impressed look with Remus, who shrugs at the notion of Lily being anything other than impressive (Sirius supposes he's right). Suddenly, a panting and red-faced Peter runs up to the table, smile stretched wide across his face.

"We did it! We did it!" He shouts excitedly, dropping his voice only because of the glares coming from the other wedding guests. "Hestia and I! Just had one off in the ladies room!" Sirius' jaw drops for the second time that night and James and Remus both let out cries of cheer. Even Lily looks excited for Peter.

"Way to go, Pete!" James claps him on the back before turning to Sirius. "Would you believe our Peter Pettigrew just deflowered Hestia Jones in the loo?"

"They really do grow up fast." Sirius pretends to wipe a tear before nodding approvingly at Peter, who puffs his chest with pride. "Cheers, Peter, always knew you had it in you."

"Says the wedding put her in the mood." Peter dishes smugly and suddenly Lily's passing filled champagne flutes into everyone's hands.

"This really does deserve a toast. To Peter!" Lily raises her glass in the air, not even bothered when her hand shakes a little and spills some champagne on her dress.

"To Peter!" They all chorus.

Sirius looks at the smiling faces of his friends; the love filled jokes that Lily and James are exchanging, Peter's excitement as he retells his story to Remus, and most importantly, when Remus catches Sirius' gaze over Peter's shoulder, and he knows that Remus knows exactly what he's thinking. He loves his friends, his family.

Remus takes his hand once again and whispers close to his ear. "Penny for your thoughts." Sirius looks over at him and smiles, shrugging before pressing their lips together. Life is seemingly perfect, with all the love and marriage and friendship that bleeds from every available crack around him.

///

That night Sirius dreams of champagne (sweet, bubbly, intoxicating), and wedding toasts (soft, loving, also intoxicating), and wedding toasts with champagne that are in celebration of he and Remus (who're so in love and more intoxicated with each other than with any drink, any drug). He wakes up happy and lazily rolls over to pull his sleeping boyfriend closer to his body.

Mornings are his favourite time of day, Sirius reasons, now that he has Remus.

(Sirius forever wakes up to Remus, and contrary to popular belief, forever is not a long time when it's spent with the man you love).


End file.
